I’m Kind of An Odd Duck… and That’s Okay
Over the past three years, personality typing and strengths has become somewhat of a hobby interest of mine, not least because I struggled so long to accept my own personality, strengths, and gifts.
When I began studying at Kairos in October 2020, I took the CliftonStrengths assessment and was thoroughly floored by its results. My strengths were not the empathetic, people-driven strengths that I had admired my entire life. Instead, my top five strengths were Context, Learner, Deliberative, Input, and Intellection. Four of the five were Strategic Thinking themes, while just one (Deliberative) was an Executing theme. None of my top five strengths were Influencing or Relationship Building.
Surprisingly, I felt relieved when I read the results. There was a reason why I was not exceptionally good at influencing or motivating others or connecting with and building relationships with others! These were simply not my strengths. Instead, my strengths rested in being able to strategically think and absorb information, and then to make decisions deliberately and carefully. Amazing! These results were a huge breath of fresh air to me. I felt the pressure of having to be ‘people-oriented’ relax.
Over the next several years, however, I wrestled with what this means for me in my vocations. What does it mean to be me when I am not naturally relationship-oriented? I’m certainly not gifted in charisma and influencing others, so how could I feel the call to teach and preach deep within my bones? How can I feel called to ministry when the acts of encouraging, supporting, and serving others drain me entirely of energy?
I dove deep into personality typing at that time, trying to make sense of myself, my call, and my place in the world. I thought, if I could only understand and categorize myself, then all would make sense.
First, I dove down the Enneagram tunnel.
I ‘tried on’ at least half of the types over three years before settling on Type 8. I have realized that many peoples’ understandings of the Enneagram are based on stereotypes and caricatures, which was what made it so difficult to see myself consistently in any of the types.
Finally, after an intense season of stress during which I withdrew within myself to an extreme degree, I realized that the stress-growth pattern of the 8 holds true for me. When I am stressed, I withdraw and follow the stress line of the 8 to the unhealthy, isolated Type 5; when I am healthy, I open up and follow the line of the 8 to the healthy, warmhearted Type 2. There is altogether too much fire and intensity within me to be any other type but an 8, though for a long time I tried to convince myself otherwise.
After all, it isn’t culturally acceptable for a woman to be a driven, thoughtful, analytical, intense Type 8… so I tried to be otherwise, and nearly flattened myself doing so.
Then, I veered into the Myers-Briggs path.
There too, I first recognized some of my analytical, logical tendencies, but tried to convince myself that I was more warmhearted, selfless, kind, and generous than I truly am. After all, Christian women are supposed to be kind, tenderhearted, and always selflessly serving others, right?
While I recognized my Introverted and Intuitive characteristics, I struggled more with understanding the Thinking/Feeling dichotomies. Of course, to land on Thinking doesn’t mean that we have no Feeling. I came to understand that as I learned more about it, and eventually, I realized that I truly do lean more toward Thinking than Feeling. Therefore, I landed on the INTJ, which is often described as “reserved, logical, and analytical.”
Alright, so Type 8 and INTJ… well, that doesn’t exactly line up with my vision of a Christian pastor. What was I supposed to do with this tension between what I viewed as how I was ‘supposed to be’ and the increasingly clear vision of who I actually am?
More recently, my brother-in-law stumbled across The Six Types of Working Genius, an assessment of your preferred working styles. Since he had found it immensely helpful in understanding his work preferences and frustrations, I decided to take the assessment as well.
My results made me laugh. My ‘working geniuses,’ that is, my preferred working styles, are Wonder and Discernment. These are in-your-head processes. Wonder asks all the big picture questions in order to ponder possibilities and opportunities: Who are we? How did we get here? What is the purpose of life? Why do things happen the way that they do? Discernment, like the CliftonStrength Deliberative, uses intuition and instincts to evaluate and assess ideas or plans. It’s a decision-making process.
My ‘working frustrations,’ on the other hand, were Galvanizing (motivating or inspiring others to get the job done) and Enablement (providing people with assistance and support to get the task done). This meant that I would become increasingly irritated and frustrated if I were placed in a situation where I was required to frequently motivate, inspire, or support people.
Like my CliftonStrengths assessment, this blew my mind open. See, it wasn’t that I couldn’t encourage or motivate people, it’s just that I would be quickly drained and frustrated by having to do so. Similarly, I can be warmhearted, generous, and self-giving to others, but I prefer to spend time in my head and spend time wondering, discerning, and analyzing.
The language of Working Genius was so helpful to me. I realized that while I am able to do any task for a short period of time, I need to be able to work within my strengths, gifts, and personality in order to be most effective, joyful, and enthusiastic in work and life. In other words, I need to work within my geniuses to thrive.
The final kicker was a workplace assessment that I completed with physiotherapy colleagues at Alberta Health Services. Again, I had an image in my mind of what a ‘good, kind, caring’ physiotherapist looked like… and I didn’t fit that image at all. While many of my colleagues fit the warm “Green” type, my results landed me in the “Blue” category – the objective, analytical, independent, rational, and introverted Observer.
How could I be so coldhearted, so detached, and so distant and be working in healthcare and ministry?
I approached the instructor after the session and asked her if the results might be a little skewed. I desperately wanted to be the harmonious, peacemaking Green type. Couldn’t just one personality test tell me that I’m a nice person?
The instructor responded, “None of the personality descriptors are negative, so what’s the narrative that you are telling yourself about the Blue type?”
Ouch.
She was right, though. The problem was, in fact, with the narrative I had internalized about the descriptors. None of them were negative, but I had connoted them as wrong and unChristian. In my mind, all the other types were more Christ-like because they were people-oriented. They were the generous, selfless, harmonious types, or the sunshiney extraverts who encouraged everyone, or the bold, driven extraverts who took charge of a situation. I was none of those things, and it stung.
I went home and took the results to Fritz, who read my personality description and said, “That’s spot on.” Great.
I spent a week wrestling with those results… and I kept asking, How can an analytical thinking type reflect the image of Jesus when I so often don’t want anything to do with people?
I came back to the idea of preferences. I prefer to stay in my head and wonder and discern and ponder great big concepts all day long. I prefer to keep to myself and have lots of time for my internal thought processes. I prefer to approach situations with objectivity, calm, and logic.
Each of these characteristics were created by God to reflect his image. I’m still wrestling with that concept, but it must be true because people like me exist. It’s not like God decided to withhold his character and image from the one-quarter of the population that likes to think analytically and introspectively.
Therefore, I can take on the characteristics of any other ‘type’ for the short term, but it won’t be where I am most energized, joyful, creative, and thriving in the long term.
What does that mean for me and my work as a physiotherapist, writer, and pastor?
I think I’ve seen this already in my decision to not work full-time as a physiotherapist regardless of how often I am asked by my colleagues to apply for the available 1.0 FTE. I simply can’t spend 40 hours per week in an extraverted, caregiving state. For one, it completely drains me of energy, and two, it leaves no time or space to do the things that light me up.
This means that
I work as a casual PT with the flexibility to schedule days off as I need to recharge and spend time alone and in my head.
I thrive when I can spend long hours alone reading, studying, and pondering as I prepare for and write Bible studies, sermons, blogs, or other projects.
While I really do enjoy one-on-one conversations with others, I need to plan and schedule them well so that I am maintaining a healthy level of energy for my home and husband.
I will not be a ‘people’s pastor,’ but will thrive as a ‘teaching and preaching pastor,’ which has already been recognized by the church council and staff.
A large portion of my work happens in my head before I am able to engage with others… so, even if it looks like I’m not ‘working’ very much in terms of hours or FTE, my mind is almost always working.
All this is not to say that I don’t like people; I might (often) say that I don’t like people but it’s more that I grow frustrated when I have to consistently deal with the unpredictable emotions and wild subjective conjectures of people who tend to think very differently than I do. I will be a cranky person if I have to extravertedly output myself in a Feelings manner for an extended amount of time. I really do have a wide social network and I love spending time with others (especially in smaller groups or one-on-one), but I need to counter this time with time spent alone in order to be happy and healthy.
Oh yeah, and on the DISC profile, I land in Clarity. Go figure.
Repeatedly, each personality assessment has confronted me with my perceptions of myself and my expectations of what it means to be a ‘nice person,’ a ‘good Christian,’ or even a ‘normal human being.’ I have had my many assumptions turned upside-down by my own personality and strengths.
Simply, I can’t be the person that my internal narrative, which has been heavily influenced by cultural expectations, gender roles, and general assumptions, tells me to be. Instead, I must be who I am – strong, driven, intense, analytical, thoughtful, introspective, intuitive, and curious. Of course, I am continually being conformed to the image of Christ, which means that I continually grow softer, kinder, and more generous by the power of the Holy Spirit, and this is coloured in the unique tone of my personality, gifts, and strengths.
Going forward in my vocations as physio, writer, and pastor, I realize that my ‘jobs’ look unconventional when compared with the general population. I won’t be a 9-to-5 employee; I’ve learned that my personality and gifts don’t function well without the flexibility and autonomy to schedule my work around my energy levels.
As a result of my rather culturally unorthodox blend of intense thinking, intuition, curiosity, and introspectiveness, I am able to process large volumes of information and then synthesize it for others who cannot do this sort of work. I can do the deep work of studying in order to teach others what they don’t have the time and ability to do on their own. I can think about things in a unique way and present an alternative way of thinking to someone who has never considered it.
I think I’m growing rather satisfied with my relatively odd combination of traits, gifts, and strengths. I’ve often viewed my personality traits as limitations on my ability to work and function within the kingdom of God and for his kingdom purposes. In one sense, they are; they remind me of my weaknesses and that I am dependent on God’s strength to sustain me through every interpersonal and large-group interaction, particularly when strong emotions are involved or big energy is required.
However, I am also learning how to view them as unique gifts in themselves. Instead of bemoaning them and asking, “Why can’t I be like everyone else?”, I am realizing that my not-like-everyone-else-ness is a gift to the world and the Spirit can work in and through me in a way that is uniquely mine – for his glory. I am learning to embrace the image of God within me, and it doesn’t quite look like the image of God in Fritz, my parents, or my friends.
Rather than restricting me, these traits are guidelines to the way in which God has called me to a particular work for his kingdom purposes, and all of us work together with our unique personalities, strengths, and gifts to reflect his glorious image to the world and bring the kingdom of God to earth as it is in heaven.
