Shame: Your Inner Attendant
You know that voice inside your head that constantly tells you that you are not good enough, that you are flawed in some way, that you won’t ever measure up? Maybe it’s just me that has that voice ringing in my ear. I would wager that I’m not the only one, though.
Curt Thompson calls this the “shame attendant” in his book The Soul of Shame. This shame attendant begins in a place beyond words; it starts its critique in our physiology – the way our body responds to something – and works its way to our emotions before it ever expresses itself in words. That tightening of your belly or heat rushing to your face when someone says something as innocuous as “Why did you do it that way?” That’s the response of shame. You feel it in your body first and then you start to feel it in your emotions. Maybe you get angry, defensive, or irritable. Finally, you hear it in your thoughts, “The way I did it is not good enough. I am not good enough. I am not enough.”
Shame.
I realized recently how prevalent shame is in my own life. Constantly belittling me and falling short of where I think I ought to be. Shame twists my perception of what is true until the truth has been entirely rewritten by shame. Unknowingly, I believe lies about myself and about others.
Thompson does an amazing job of addressing the root of shame and how we can begin to acknowledge the presence of shame in our lives, and then to begin to live free from our shame. Shame is deeply complex. I am not going to pretend I know all there is to know about shame just because I have read a book and I live the reality of it every day. Shame looks different in every life. I do, however, want to share a few points from Thompson’s book for those who will not endeavor to read it:
Shame began at the very beginning with a serpent and a woman.
Shame is not the original storyline for humanity; shame snuck in through the backdoor, as it usually does, and created doubt of the woman’s worth and her role in God’s created order. When we acknowledge shame in our lives, we acknowledge that it does not belong.
2. Shame hides in dark corners and it runs when exposed.
Friends, we need a community of people around us that we trust. When we talk about our shame, that mountain of oppression becomes smaller. It takes hard work and tremendous courage to admit the gnawing fear and deep shame in our lives. We cannot do it alone. Tell just one person whom you trust; shame is often not as horrifying as it seems once it has been voiced.
3. Shame paralyzes us into inertia.
Shame tells us, “You can’t possibly do [insert the hobby/job/dream you would love to pursue].” You. Can’t. What tremendously paralyzing words! Again, it takes courage to break through this wall of fear. Courage to stand up and look shame in the eye and say, “Yes. I can.” And then do it!
4. Joy kills shame.
When we find joy in life, we rid ourselves of the oppressive shame cloud that looms over us. What brings you joy? Do that. Listen to the music you love; spend time in silence; walk in nature; have coffee with a friend; do something for the sheer enjoyment of it.
5. You are created by God.
He looked at his creation (you!) and said, “This is very good.” You are good. You are not deficient, less-than, or inadequate. All of who you are is enough because God fashioned you to be you.
Shame is no stranger to any of us. It stops creativity in its tracks as it freezes us into believing lies about ourselves. Be courageous, my friends! Remember that you are living in God’s story of his good and beautiful creation; reframing our shame-based narrative takes time and hard work. Shame likes us to think that it has won, but that is simply an illusion. This blog is just a blurb on shame. It does not begin to touch the depth that shame requires to truly discuss and root out in our lives. If you are interested, I highly recommend The Soul of Shame for further reading on this immensely complex topic.
