As I looked around the church, I couldn’t help feeling like I didn’t belong.

Young mothers with babies clustered around one another; fathers mingled together, laughing about their toddler’s recent escapades; older women surrounded the glowing pregnant woman and sought to give her advice; children ran past, squealing and shouting with delight.

I stood alone and wondered, “If I never have a child, then where do I belong in the church?”

This has been one of the biggest, burning questions I’ve had through my journey of infertility.

Think about it: Most North American churches are oriented around children.

There are numerous programs dedicated to children: Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, Bible camps, and family campouts (that is, campouts planned for young families with children).
Women’s Bible study groups are, intentionally or not, planned in such a way that career-minded women are unable to attend, either by scheduling groups on weekday mornings or by choosing material that is tailored to young motherhood.
Many churches offer parenting courses to support young parents through the turbulent times of transitioning into childrearing.
Many “for women” books, resources, and Bible studies focus on parenthood or marriage and there are precious few resources for the woman who does not fit these categories.
There are also international organizations such as Focus on the Family that promote programming and resources on parenting, marriage, and Bible education for children and teenagers. Focus on the Family’s tagline is: “Help children learn biblical truth today.”

I’m not saying that parents and children don’t need support from the church or that children are not important; they are.

I am saying that childless families have nowhere to belong in this child-centered framework (singles or divorcees also struggle to belong - a conversation for another day).

I use “family” very intentionally here. A man and a woman joined together in marriage is a family every bit as much as the family with one, three, or six children.

The extent to which the church elevates children excludes those who are childless.

“Well,” you might argue, “We have young adult programs and small group Bible studies that these childless families might join.”

Have you ever tried to join a young adult or college-and-career group as a mid-twenties-to-thirties married man or woman? It’s awkward, to say the least.

Most young adult groups are for the now-graduated teen who is entering the workforce or post-secondary education. They are filled with those who fancy themselves adults but are mostly trying to figure out what life as an adult entails. It is an intense time of transition, during which a support group of others in the same stage of life is immensely helpful.

Unfortunately, there is little commonality between this group and the man and woman who have been married for a time and have known the struggle of trying to conceive.

As a young infertile and childless couple, my husband and I found that we didn’t fit into the young adult demographic anymore, nor did we fit into the “young families with children” category. Quite simply, there was no space for us.

All of these subgroups and subtle statements made by the church leave the childless family wondering if there is a place for them at all. Why are we surprised then when the childless family suffers silently instead of telling their church about their painful journey and asking for support?

Quite simply, the church has squeezed them out.

The church has done a poor job with childless families as well as with single adults, another demographic that is often ignored. This is especially true in churches with a strong emphasis on traditional gender roles, where it is assumed that all women will marry and bear children.

What is the purpose of marriage?

We need to back up all the way and examine the Christian presumption that marriage linearly translates to parenthood. The reality is that it doesn’t. I’ve argued that the command to “be fruitful and multiply” is an exhortation to bear God’s goodness into the world, which is true for all people, not only for parents.

So then, why marry at all?

Marriage is an image of the relationship between us and God. Marriage is not solely for the purpose of falling in love and living out your most romantic fantasies.

No, marriage is a parable - it embodies the ever-loving relationship found within the Trinity. As Christ loved the church, husbands and wives are called to love one another (Ephesians 5:21-32).

Marriage is no romanticized, easy path. No, marriage embodies the steady, faithful love of God to the world. It is selfless and patient, and it is hard work.

Likewise, parenting is a parable of God’s love for us.

I recognize that parenting, too, is selfless, patient, and requires hard work. I do not make light of the grueling nature of parenting. I believe the church ought to support young parents as much as possible in their new and turbulent way of life.

However, the church ought not to glorify or, dare I say, idolize, parenting above other stations in life. Because truthfully, none of us have any say over whether or not we become parents.

If you are a parent, you can experience the giving of life to another soul. You reflect the Creator and Father who created you and loves you far, far more than you love your own child (see 1 John 3:1). You are a walking parable of the Father’s love for the world. There is a special calling in that.

Children are a gift, and that gift is not given to all.

Some of us have the gift of childlessness. I use the word "gift” intentionally. We who are childless are of no less value than those who have children. We can bring a unique perspective to our world, one that our parenting friends know nothing about.

Childlessness is a parable of longing for a better world to come.

Some authors have been so bold as to suggest that the childless - particularly the infertile - are a parable of the waiting that all Christians endure as we await the second coming of Christ (see recommended reading list below).

I’ve heard infertile couples lament, “If God won’t grant me a child, then why doesn’t He take my desire for a family away?”

Quite simply, the longing that you feel for a child is but a fraction of the longing we Christians ought to feel for the coming of Christ and the renewal of all things.

The way that we go about waiting sets an example for all the folks around us. Are we waiting patiently? Are we grumbling about how long we have to wait? Are we hoping for a future that is better than the present that we know?

There are times when this longing is more acute than others. In the deepest, darkest moments of my grief over not having children, I recognize that I am yearning for the world to be made right. I am longing to be made perfect and whole in the presence of Christ for all eternity. I am longing for the social structures to be evened out across all people, denominations, races, genders, social classes, and childbearing statuses.

Childlessness, too, is selfless, patient, and requires hard work - the hard work of waiting.

We who are childless feel acutely the agony of waiting that all of creation feels as it longs for the renewal of all things (Romans 8:18-25). We are an example of patience and trust in God through all our uncertainty. We give up our grasp on control and we wait.

Therefore, we need to make space for the childless in our churches.

The childless have a lot to offer the church if only the church will let us. How do we begin to break down the wall between the fertile and infertile, the childbearing and childless?

Two words: Intergenerational relationships.

Why does the church separate the young from the old, the married from the unmarried, or the parents from the career-minded? The church is the body of Christ, and as the apostle Paul says, every part of the body is needed within this new family structure (see 1 Corinthians 12:12-27).

Unfortunately, the church misses out on the richness of intergenerational relationships when it separates each demographic into silos.

What would it look like if the church created space for people of all walks of life to intermingle?

Intergenerational Bible studies: no age cap, just an open door for all to come
Children’s teachings interspersed within your church services instead of being limited to children’s Sunday school
Volunteering to help out at a lodge, nursing facility, or at the home of an elderly neighbor
Adult Sunday school classes: open to all and not segregated by gender or stage of life
Varied activities at the church’s family campout: include activities for children, young adults, and older adults
Women’s Bible studies that are structured to include career women, or better yet, to eradicate “women’s” and “men’s” Bible studies altogether and create co-ed studies where men and women can learn to study the Bible together

I am happy to say that my husband and I now attend a church that practices several of these strategies and I feel the separation between parent and childless much less acutely than I did previously. However, I know that this is not the case in many North American churches.

How might your church do better in making space for those who do not fit “nicely” into the pre-set categories of church ministry?

Jesus said, “Go and make disciples of all nations.” (Matthew 28:19)

I argue that this verse moves beyond evangelism and church planting to also mean making disciples of the very people within our churches and communities - the ones who walk through the door and have no place to belong.

Remember that every part of the body is required for the church to function properly. I daresay that the Western evangelical church has been dysfunctional insofar as they have failed to recognize and make space for its childless or infertile members.

Regardless of whether you are fertile or infertile, a parent or childless, what can you do to make space for those left on the fringes?

In courage and in love,

Katelyn

Recommended reading on infertility and eschatology:

Moss, Candida R. and Joel S. Baden. Reconceiving Infertility: Biblical Perspectives on Procreation & Childlessness. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2015.

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How Can the Church Make Space for Childless Families?