Ten Things to Not Say to Your Childless Friends
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” - Thumper, Disney’s Bambi
Thumper’s advice is wise. I might add, “If you can’t say something that will be interpreted as kind and loving, don’t say anything at all.”
What we communicate is 50% spoken and 50% heard. It takes both a speaker and a hearer to communicate a message.
You might say, “It’s not my fault that the other person misinterpreted what I said.” Yes, it is 50% your fault. It is also 50% the fault of the listener. Good communication goes both ways and it takes effort to meet in the middle.
That said, there are a LOT of well-meant statements said to infertile and childless couples that are not kind or loving.
Here are ten things to NOT say to your childless friends:
“Do you have kids?” or “When are you going to have kids?”
The answer is no, and I don’t know.
Awkward silence.
I understand that these questions are meant as workplace conversation-starters, but instead they kill the conversation before it gets off the ground. They twist the knife of loss deep into my chest as I’m reminded yet again that I do not have something that is “normal” for a nearly-thirty-year-old married woman to have.
A better-phrased question might be, “Do you have a family?” A husband and wife are a family. Pets are part of the family - though God knows I scoffed at dog-moms/dads before we got Lucy!
Better still, if you do not know the person well, ask about their hobbies or what they did on the weekend. If they have children, they will talk about them freely. If they do not mention children, you can guess as to the answer but unless you plan on building a deep and lasting friendship with your coworker, it may be better to say nothing at all about their parental status.
“God has a plan for you.”
Yes, I know that. Not helpful, though. Knowing that God has a plan doesn’t take away the pain, loss, and grief that I feel. If anything, it makes me feel like God is biding his time up in some distant heaven, staring down at my suffering, and deciding not to act to alleviate my suffering because it “isn’t time yet.”
“Just wait until you have kids!”
I understand that your life looks very different with children, but this statement implies that my life is less-than and incomplete without children. It also suggests that I need to continue waiting - even endlessly - until I “arrive” at parenting, as if parenting is the end goal of all existence.
“I know God will give you a child.”
No, you don’t. No one knows this. There is no way of predicting the future and the reality is that some people never have children.
“Just relax.”
Right. Did you know that I spent six months unemployed with nothing to do but relax? Guess what? I didn’t get pregnant.
My husband and I spent two years scheduling sex within the “optimal window” (which reduced intimacy to an act of duty and obligation) before deciding to regain the fun we’d been missing. Guess what? Having fun sex didn’t result in pregnancy either.
Pregnancy doesn’t happen with some wave of a magical wand. Particularly in the case of women with endometriosis (a painful physical condition in which tissue similar to the tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus ends up growing outside your uterus and causes deep scarring on your ovaries and uterus), there is no amount of “relaxing” that will induce pregnancy.
Even in less physically painful conditions such as PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), low sperm counts, and fluctuating hormone levels, you can “relax” all you want and still never conceive.
“Have you tried [insert home remedy]?”
Yes, I probably have. If I haven’t, it’s because it is too painful to try a remedy, to hope for a conception as a result, and to be disappointed yet again.
What’s more, this question, like the one preceding it, implies that pregnancy can be achieved if you expose yourself to the right amount of sunshine, raspberry leaf tea, reflexology, post-intimacy positioning, or acupuncture (to name a few).
Maybe they’ve worked for some folks; maybe it was simply coincidence; there’s no way of knowing either way. Just know that every person’s journey is different and what worked for you has no guarantee of working for your childless friends.
“I remember what it was like for us before we got pregnant…”
That’s nice. Unfortunately, if you struggled with infertility and then became pregnant and had a child, this statement leaves the still-childless man or woman feeling deflated and empty. I’m happy that you no longer have to walk this twisting, winding, rocky path; it pierces my heart that you were somehow gifted a child and I have not.
There was a light at the end of your tunnel. I know you didn’t see it at the time either. I have no way of knowing if there will be a light at the end of my tunnel or if this journey with childlessness is infinite. The truth is that sometimes God doesn’t remove the thorn (see 2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
“At least you have this time now with your spouse!”
Yes, and I am eternally grateful. But again, it doesn’t remove the pain of childlessness. This statement fails to realize the depth of pain and loss an infertile couple experiences. It rates marriage as a subpar event to childbearing.
Here I will add that the purpose of marriage is not solely to procreate. I will wax more eloquently on the theology of marriage next week - stay tuned.
Also, “at least” statements are the worst sort of un-empathetic statements. If you haven’t already, please watch Brene Brown’s video on empathy for tips on how to change your language to express empathy for your suffering friend.
“Be thankful that you don’t have to deal with pregnancy discomforts and sleepless nights!”
You’re right; there are times when I am thankful to have a young, fit, slim body and that I can have 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep when and how I wish. And yet, there are times when I would do just about anything to experience a life growing inside me, regardless of the associated pain or discomfort.
I do not wish to ignore your discomforts, but perhaps you might choose to minimize how often you voice them in my presence.
“You have lots of time! You’re still young.”
This statement makes two points: 1) It reminds us of the ticking time bomb of aging (a woman’s fertility decreases rapidly after age 35; a man’s fertility decreases significantly after age 40-45); and 2) It tells us that we can’t move on with our lives until we somehow miraculously achieve pregnancy or until we move past childbearing age. That is a LOT of time in limbo. And let me tell you, limbo is not fun.
I hope my comments explain why these statements can be hurtful to your childless friends. We are not being “overly sensitive” (well, sometimes we are); this is a legitimately painful topic for us.
At the very least, consider what you will say before you say it. Is it kind? Is it something that you wish would be said to you if you were in your friend’s shoes? Is it loving?
Don’t say something just because you feel awkward and feel the need to fill the silence. Don’t say something to make yourself feel better for having tried to encourage your childless friend, sibling, child, or coworker.
Instead, here are three things you can do to support your childless friends:
Listen to their story.
Just listen. We want to know that we are not entirely alone in this world. We need spaces to feel supported by our friends and family and know that we will not be given unsolicited advice.
Invite them to join your family for a barbecue, supper, walk in the park, etc. They might say no, only because it might be too painful to be surrounded by reminders of what they don’t or can’t have. But keep inviting them anyway.
Ask about what matters to them (e.g. job/career, relationships, hobbies, etc.).
Be interested in them as a person. Realize that their life looks far different from yours, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still be friends.
Communication happens when both parties participate.
Speakers (friends and family members who seek to encourage) need to communicate their love and support for their infertile friends clearly. Don’t say things simply to fill the silence.
On the other hand, listeners (infertile and childless men and women) need to remember that other people simply don’t think about childlessness as much as you do.
It is not fair to expect other people to walk on eggshells around you and never mention childbearing, childbirth, or childrearing in your presence for as long as you live.
Believe me, I’ve been there. I am there some days. But I need to do my part to meet my family members and my friends in their own stage of life, which (unfortunately for my husband and I) involves children.
We who are childless need to let some comments roll off our back.
Most of the time, people mean well but are insensitive because they haven’t lived a childless life. They don’t - and can’t - fully understand but are trying their best to help. If you, my childless friend, are hurt by someone’s insensitive words, I hope that you might gently educate them on how their comment was hurtful.
May we meet in the middle with all the love and kindness we can muster.
In love and in courage,
Katelyn
Recommended Reading:
Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High, 3rd ed. New York, NY: The McGraw-Hill Companies, 2021.
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