What Are My Options If I Can’t Conceive?

Mar 17

Written By Katelyn

I want to start off with a disclaimer: The topic of childlessness is a sensitive one and by no means am I aiming to make light of anyone’s suffering in their journey of childlessness and/or infertility. Please hear my words with all the kindness and love I can muster, and know that I speak only from my own experiences. I recognize that your experiences may not be like my own.

Most Christians are intimately familiar with the first command given by the Creator to His creation: “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:28, ESV)

To those who have experienced infertility, this command is a dagger to the heart. Against their own desires, they have been unable to obey what many see as the primary divine directive. As discussed in last week’s blog post, this quite naturally leads to the infertile couple feeling as though they have been cursed by God for apparent violation of His divine command.

In Christian social circles (family, friends, and church members), there is a certain expectation around fertility. In the conservative Mennonite community I was raised in, it was simply assumed that a girl would marry and begin promptly producing children. If any married girl passed a year or two without bearing a child, the whispers would start.

"When will they have children?”

“Do you think there’s something wrong?” “

Why don’t they have children yet?”

Simply put, a married couple was socially pressured to bear children immediately because “that’s what the Bible says.” When they couldn’t, they inevitably experienced all depths of shame, grief, isolation, and bitterness toward the very community that was meant to support them.

I was never the kind of girl that dreamed of being a wife and mother, but I always assumed that it would happen one day because that’s what girls do when they grow up.

No one talked about alternatives to childbearing.

For one, very few people talked about (never mind chose) assisted reproductive technologies such as artificial insemination, intrauterine insemination (IUI), or in vitro fertilization (IVF) to name a few.

And two, no one talked about the choice a couple might make to not have children at all - whether they could conceive or not.

I am aware that conservative Christianity is not the only place that this mentality toward childbearing exists; however, it is the place from which I can speak. I realize that many non-religious couples also wrestle with the implications of infertility and/or childlessness.

For the sake of today’s discussion, I am directing my attention to Christian heterosexual couples who either cannot have children or choose not to have children.

So let’s talk about assisted reproduction and its implications. For many Christian couples who have tried all natural remedies, family planning, and medications prescribed by their family doctor without successful pregnancy, it seems the only option to “be fruitful and multiply” lies in assisted reproduction technology (ART).

(There have been entire books published on this topic, so I won’t dive into all the details. You can see the recommended reading list below for more information.)

I’ll give it to you straight: my husband and I have decided not to pursue ART. Therefore, my analysis of ART is biased. If this is something that you and your spouse personally feel led toward (or have chosen), I do not intend to shame or belittle you in any way.

Here are our reasons for not pursuing ART:

It costs a ton. Each IUI cycle costs $2500-$4000 dollars CAD. Each cycle of IVF costs $10,000-$15,000 CAD. ART is a lucrative business and unfortunately, businesses are in it to make money.
The success rate is low. A woman under the age of 35 has a 10-20% chance of becoming pregnant with each IUI. For a woman over the age of 40, this percentage drops to 2-5%. The most common type of ART is IVF, which fertilizes the egg ex-utero and implants it directly into the uterus, and the success rate for a woman under 35 is 41% with success rates dropping significantly after the age of 40 (11%).
Every life is sacred. This includes every embryo involved in the process - the ones that you choose to use in the process as well as the ones that will remain frozen.
Consider the emotional cost. For each cycle, there are many hormone-replacement drugs that need to be taken consistently. Any woman knows how intimately connected her mood and her hormones are. Additionally, there is an inherent emotional risk that is taken with each cycle of IUI or IVF. Your hopes get raised and they might well be dashed yet again if the pregnancy test reads negative.
Consider the relational cost. Sex becomes a chore, an obligation, not a pleasure to enjoy with your spouse. The financial and emotional cost inevitably wears on your relationship, too.

For those of you who have chosen ART and have been successful, I salute you. That is a long, weary road you have traveled. Your child is precious and wonderful in God’s sight, no matter how they were conceived!

If you are considering ART, all I ask is that you evaluate the personal, emotional, financial, relational, and ethical implications. Whatever you choose to do, choose it wholeheartedly. But also, set boundaries on yourself. When will you stop? When you conceive? When the money runs out? Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page with whatever decision you make.

That said, my husband and I have chosen to stop. Not to stop being intimate, but to stop planning our future with children. At this point in our journey, it is likely that we will not ever conceive and it is time to look ahead to what life might look like without children.

A childless life has its own implications:

No baby showers, pregnancy experiences, or labour/birthing stories to tell
No first steps, first words, kindergartens, or toothless grins
No mom-daughter chats, father-son bonding, or daddy’s little girl (or boy)
No walking a daughter down an aisle or seeing your grandchild play in your backyard
No family reunions or large Christmas dinners

There are a lot of losses. If this is the path you are choosing or have chosen, take time to grieve that. As blogger Tiffany Janzen says about her own decision to choose a childfree life, “Just because a decision is sad doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision.”

I like that term, “childfree.” It redirects the focus from what you don’t have to what you do have. It reflects an intentionality toward a life without children.

A childless/childfree life is not a selfish life.

The reality is that my husband and I can do a lot that our parenting friends can’t. Case in point, we spontaneously decided to buy tickets to the Tim Hortons Brier last weekend. Twice. (That’s the national curling championship in Canada, for those of you who are non-Canadians. Curling is an ice sport, not a hairstyling competition.)

As a childless/childfree family, you can

Travel far and wide (now that we’re semi-post-pandemic)
Host others and extend hospitality - have a movie night, games night, or late-night campfire with your spouse and friends who do not have children
Volunteer at the odd-hours when your mom-friends are busy with their young’uns
Make friends with folks of all ages - elderly, parents with young children, parents with teenagers, other childless couples, singles, and even teenagers (yes, I know they’re scary)
Dedicate a room to an office, library, yoga studio, music studio, or man-cave for your hobbies or side-projects
Go to late-night movies, sporting events, or concerts
Use your extra income to support your friends who are perhaps struggling under the strain of a single income while they have young children

This list is not exhaustive. It also does not take the sting of infertility away. I am boldly suggesting that infertility opens the door to an alternate lifestyle, one that allows you to explore a vastly different life than the one that you imagined for yourself, one that is still beautiful and good and fulfilling.

Childlessness does not mean purposelessness.

You are not devoid of purpose as a human being if you can’t conceive or choose not to pursue childbearing. Your reason for being on this earth is not only for procreation, though I know many of us have interpreted “be fruitful and multiply” in this way.

But I don’t believe that this command is only for physical procreation. When God commanded the first creatures to multiply, He commanded them to fill the earth with God’s goodness, mercy, and love.

We are fruitful in love. We multiply in goodness wherever our life takes us. We are fruitful in kindness and multiply in generosity. We bear kindness and compassion in ways that we could not have imagined if not for our own painful journey.

We are spiritual parents to any and all who come our way. This is the blessing that those who never bear children (including those who are single and do not marry) offer the world. And there is no shame in that.

In courage and in love,

Katelyn